Abuse
by Miranda Crystal-Bearer
Summary: Yuki's disjointed thoughts on how Akito treats him, on how everyone's treated him.
1. Memory

A dull thud. A scream. Flesh against flesh. A whimper. Whimpers degrading into soft sobs, sobs turning into shudders. Body quivering like a leaf within a summer's storm. Fear-blackened eyes, eyes wide and unfocused with their terror. Silence, too afraid to utter a sound, too afraid to move. Suppressed shudders break loose in jars of shaking that are so fierce teeth rattle. Seconds, minutes, hours while away in the dark. Slowly, slowly, inching along the floor, seeking the door, oh, solace only a few inches away...blessed solitude.

The dark...fearing the dark, the shut spaces, the closed-in rooms. Lessons learned, from these frightened moments...lessons remembered, mirrored in fright-dark eyes. Never be alone in the dark...never be alone in a small room...never be in a small room in the dark... Frightened, trembling fingers close on the door. A hand, on flesh. A terrified, soundless scream. _DON'T TOUCH ME! NO!_ Whimpers, gasped, and a slight quivering. Too afraid to move. Fear-black eyes close, the mind behind them shutting down, denying, blocking away the moment, the memory.

Escape...escape...oh, the longing for escape...freedom from the dark, shut-in spaces, the terrible aloneness... FREEDOM FROM THE MEMORIES THAT HAUNT LIKE GHOSTS IN THE HALLS, FROM THE FEAR THAT LURKS IN THE CORNERS, THE DARK, SHUT-IN SPACES. HEALING FOR THE WOUNDS STILL BLEEDING, THE HEART IN TATTERS AND TEARS AND SOLITUDE.

Afraid to be with others, terrified to be alone. Needing, oh, desperately needing touch, loathing so to be caressed. Hating what should be loved. Loving what should be hated. Ripped and torn and whole and shattered and broken and fixed and ALONE. Alone. I hate being alone. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid.


	2. Fear

The utmost fear. The sense of security that is not there, when it should be enveloping you wholly. That lost feeling, the need to scream. The terror that is caged and pacing, like a maddened tiger. The need to scream. The need to run. That fear, the fear that surrounds one completely, an ocean with no shore in sight, with only the endless horizions on any side. The need to scream. To scream. To scream. Breath aching in your mouth and chest, burning in your lungs. The need, the want, the urge, the craving, to scream. The fear that paralyzes, that forces stillness.

The need to scream. To scream in denial, anger, fear. In terror. In hatred. In hopelessness. In rage. In defiance. To scream, just anything. To scream for help.

The fear that slashes a heart to pieces, that forces weakness, that forces the scream. That makes tears burn in the eyes.

The need to run, to spread the fragile, white wings, now stained dark, and fly away, far away, against all storm and wind and tempest, to fly into the arms of love. To the one place where it is safe. To fly. To fly. To fly away.

Getting used to...breathing...waiting...screaming...dying... Bleeding heart, tearful eyes, frightened soul...Dying! Dying! Purity and innocence long shattered, left in tatters and shreds, gone! Stolen by blackness! Stolen by prowling fear. Stolen by the darkness that hunts, that haunts. Fleeing in fear, in dread, in a screaming terror. Longing to spread broken wings and fly away, far, far, far away. To stand the storm, to bear the winds, with these shattered wings! To fly on these torn wings! To escape! Freedom everlasting!

But instead, feeling the coldness of surpressed fear, feeling the cage that fear is. To be siezed by the terror and bound by the cords of horror. Caught in the dark web of a spider. Frozen in black ice, in fear.

_**To be free from this terror. **_

_**To be where saftey is, to know that it is completely safe!**_

_**To never know this terror again.**_

_**Scarred by this darkness.**_

_**Life ruined by this darkness.**_

_**Heart torn, tattered, bleeding.**_

_**Eyes tearful.**_

_**Soul dying.**_

_**Dying.**_

_**Dying.**_

_**Murdered.**_

_**Someone save me.**_


	3. Questions

How can I describe to you what it's like? What can I say to you, any of you? _You don't know._ How can you know? You treat it lightly, step around it. You ignore it. You ignore me. You don't see me. And so, in turn, I stopped seeing me. I did. It sounds strange, but that's what I've done. Everything that's happened, those memeories, I shut them away. I shut me away. I almost shut down completely. Only then did you notice. It took that for you to see me. Some family you are. Family. What a joke.

Surprised? Why? Does my bitterness, my hatred, startle you? Yes, I suppose it would. After all, I never show any emotion, now. I shut them away. A polite smile, a little word here or there. You'd be surprised how very many people will believe you if you simply smile and tell them it's allright. They don't see any further than that smile. They don't want to. And why would they?

How can I tell you what it's like? You won't understand. _You don't know._ How can you? You've ignored me. I've ignored me. And it's been like ignoring a knife through my heart. All this time, behind my smile, I've been bleeding. I'm dying..._and you won't see me._ You won't help me. No-one will help me. I'm all alone, dying, and surrounded by my family.

_WHY WON'T YOU HELP ME?_

All those nights I cried myself to sleep. All those times my throat closed and I refused to act. Every single time I screamed for help, for relief, for _anything._ For someone, anyone to save me. You never helped me. You were never there. None of you! Not a single _one!_ You looked away, you stopped your ears. You left me alone, in the dark. You left me. You left me..._you left me._

You thought I was strong. What a joke. I was never strong. But you wouldn't see me crying. You only saw me when I smiled, when I looked people in the eye and lied. Do you know...do you know what you've _done_ to me? I'll never be the same. I can never be the same. Because...because when you lock someone up in a dark room for hours on end, when you strip them of every defense, when you tell them they are worth nothing, do you know what that does to them? It turns them into me. Into what I am. It breaks them in ways that can never be healed. It kills them by inches, until they beg for death, because healing is beyond me. It would hurt just as much, more, than dying.

_WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?_

Why won't anyone help me?


End file.
